'Now nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the garden of Eden
'but it's been a good home to us - me, Frank Gallagher,
'and me kids who l'm proud of,
'cos every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
'They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.'
- Run! Run for it! - Leg it!
'Fiona, who's a massive help,
'Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Philip now,
'lan, a lot like his mam,
'which is handy for the others cos she's disappeared into thin air,
'and Carl - we daren't let him grow his hair
'cos it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah and nits love it.
'Debbie - sent by God. Total angel.
'You've to check your change but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.
'Plus Liam - gonna be a star once we've got the fits under control.
'Sheila, me bird. Couldn't be happier... One plate short of a full set, like.
'Fantastic neighbours Kev and Veronica. Lend you anything. Well, not anything.
'But all of them to a man know, first and foremost,
'one of the most vital necessities in this life
'is they know how to throw a party!
'Scatter!'
(Carl) 'The reason everyone loves dogs is
'it's dead easy to know what they're thinking.
'With people, it's a bit more tricky.'
State of her! lmagine waking up to that every morning.
She looks like a bloke.
Thought you said you'd be ready.
Shit, sorry Mandy. l lost track of time.
Grab these two. l need a couple of things.
Why do you carry on this charade?
Your mum thinks you're gay anyway.
l know but now Lip's shagging her, in't he?
'People have too many secrets.
'They're always saying things that mean summat else.
'Wi' dogs, what you see is what you get.'
What's up?
Nothing.
l just...
Do we have to?
l'm not really in the mood.
Suit yourself.
What were that..?
We're in deep shit.
Well, how sure are you?
Five weeks late.
Five week?
l kept thinking it'd come.
l got this.
We'd best find out.
Give us a bit of privacy, then.
l used johnnies every time.
Well summat's gone wrong.
lt takes two minutes.
Blue line's positive.
ls it definitely his?
Well it's not yours, is it?
No, l just meant...
l'm not a slapper, lan!
BANGlNG ON DOOR
lt's busy.
l'm bursting. >
Tough shit, go next door!
Martin's there - it stinks. >
Use a milk bottle.
Argh!
Congratulations,
you're gonna be a daddy.
Kev, pint of lager when you're ready.
Pint, is it, love?
What the f...?! Who are you?
Cassie Weston, relief manager.
- What's happened to Jez? - Enforced sabbatical, love.
Cassie's from the brewery. She's covering while Jez retrains.
Yeah, the trouble wi' pubs is people start taking them for granted.
Things slide, profits dip and then before you know it, you might as well
be giving the beer away.
l'm sorry, l didn't catch your name.
Frank, Frank Gallagher.
Right, that'll be £1 .90 for your lager
and the rest can come off your tab.
Not that it'll make much impact.
DRUNKEN LAUGHTER
He totally fancied you.
He looked like Uncle Fester.
Talk about the ugly tree! He hit every branch...
(Both) ..twice!
Oi, you little shit!
Get off her!
PERSONAL ALARM
You little bastard!
Veronica!
Sorry. l thought it might help.
£2.50 that cost me.
Are you all right?
Did it have much in it?
The first night l met Steve he tried to stop me getting my bag nicked.
Why does everything have to remind me of him?
PEElNG
Will she get rid of it?
How the hell should l know?
There's still plenty of time for an abortion. lt's up to 1 6 weeks.
She can't keep it.
She can't.
l wouldn't mind, l were going to knock it on the head.
l didn't even want the sex any more.
What? lt were only a jump.
lt weren't supposed to mean owt, she's a fuckin' Maguire.
Why weren't you more careful?
Than what? Johnnies?
What do you use, lan, bin liners?
No, you use Kash's arse.
Piss off!
l'm moving out of this house.
Can't you just go round and see what she's thinking?
No way, you go round.
Who am l? You're the one who were supposed to be shaggin' her.
BABY CRlES
Can't you shut them fuckin' kids up?
Sheila, where do you keep that little box with the 2p's in?
What's goin' on?
Remember that article you showed me about the dog that joined Mensa?
Yeah.
On the other side there was a piece about toxins in breast milk.
Everything that goes into me goes into them.
l'm damaging them, Frank. l'm damaging them.
'Ey, 'ey, 'ey, hang on cos you're on this stuff for a reason.
Medication, medication... Tell her.
He's right, Mam, you just can't throw them out.
You'll be climbing the fuckin' walls.
Sometimes, Frank, we have to make sacrifices.
Look at Joan of Arc.
l've got to go now, mum.
A pint of Dog, when you're ready, please, stout yeoman.
One pound and ninety pence.
So, that's £1 .90 off your tab, in't it, Frank?
'Ey, wait, no, because that's not playing by the fuckin' rules.
And what rules were those, Frank?
This is a pub, not a charity.
That's £365
and l want every penny back.
Dad wants words.
You know why we've brought you.
Our Mandy can't keep secrets.
Not from her mother.
l only have to look in the them pretty brown eyes
to know exactly what's going on, up here.
She's very precious to us,
our Mandy,
our one and only daughter and you've turned her into a woman.
Welcome to the family.
My Mimi was up the duff when we got hitched, don't you worry about it.
Well done!
Here's to you, son. We're going to be grandparents.
Have a drink, lan.
(Mimi) lan, can l have a word?
Tell me that you love her.
l love her. Honest, Mimi, l love her.
You'd better, lan,
because she's our princess, Mandy, and if you ever
do anything to hurt her
your bollocks come off.
Come on, let's get pissed.
What are we gonna do, Mandy?
You could not have it.
You could just pretend that you lost it, it happens all the time.
- Cindy Baler lost to kids before... - lan!
We're Catholics, mum's pro-life.
She deals drugs out the back door.
So?
lt's not the end of the world.
lt's a baby.
We'll deal with it.
She's gonna have it. There's no two ways.
You're gonna be a dad and everyone's gonna think it's mine.
They've even got frigging names lined up.
So what do you suggest, lan?
Announce the truth?
Because that would mean exposing your little secret, bum boy.
Unnnh!
Aah!
HE PANTS
BOTH GROAN AND PANT
You know if l got you pregnant?
Would you keep it?
Would you want me to?
Dunno. Sort of.
lt wouldn't be so bad with you.
You know how to sweet-talk a girl.
No, l mean...
you're older.
You'd know what you wanted.
Don't worry, Lip.
We'll be careful.
SKATEBOARD
Oi!
You little shit!
(Man) All right, all right.
Where's the fire?
Kid that just legged it in here - don't deny it, l saw him -
snatched my bag last night. l want it back or l'm calling the police.
Dylan!
Out here now.
- Caught you! - This lady thinks you took her bag...
Don't think. He did.
Thinks you might have taken her bag last night.
- No. She's lying. - Why would she do that, Dylan?
Dunno but l ain't got no bag and l ain't seen her before.
Maybe you've got the wrong kid.
Little wanker.
Fine. l'll see what the police have to say about it.
Hi, how you feeling, love?
l feel like a new woman.
1 7 hours drug-free.
All those pills were clogging up my system.
Well, like Francis of Assisi said when he got the stigmata,
one day at a time.
HE BURPS
Hey, lan, fancy a break?
No.
SHOP BELL RlNGS
All right?
Where's lan?
lan, get your coat, we're going to the footie.
Look lively, motor's running.
He's supposed to be working.
Not any more he isn't. >
The day he got my Mandy pregnant is the day he earned himself respect.
Unless you think that doesn't apply.
CLAPS HANDS Chop-chop.
Pint of lager -
not until l am holding it.
RAUCOUS SHOUTlNG
(Mr Maguire) What's he looking at?
Want a fucking picture? Get him over here now.
Hey, hey... lt's all right, l'll just...
lan... l'll come quietly.
Jesus, lan! (What the fuck are you doing here?)
Shut it!
You know this joker, lan?
Yeah, that's my dad.
Granddaddy Gallagher.
LAUGHTER
lt's a good job you found a proper family to belong to.
Was there something else?
What? No.
Well, piss off back under your stone.
Drink up.
We'll get you another at The Crosses.
Your address was on the work pass.
All about pride with kids, isn't it?
He thinks he's street, giving it the mouth.
He's one strike away from a young offenders.
Shouldn't nick people's bags, then.
l agree.
Stepbrother. Doesn't even live here, just darts in when he needs a quick getaway.
Something missing?
Tenner.
No, forget it. lt was the bag l wanted.
Craig, by the way.
Fiona.
Under what circumstances
would l be called granddad?
l'm no expert, Frank, but l would say it would be
when one of your kids has a baby.
Exactly. But the question is,
which one? The first one, obvious choice.
Frank, l've got no idea.
Who is our lan's girlfriend?
Mandy Maguire, has been for ages.
But they're not even...
No, he hasn't...?
Oh, fucking hell.
Fucking... Granddad.
My old man said be a Man U fan
(Maguires) But l said fuck off you're a cunt. Oh yeah!
LAUGHTER
THEY CHANT
Dad, there's Vinnie MacKinnon.
Yee-ha! Catch him, son.
All right, Vinnie?
Hello there, Vinnie? How are you doin', son?
TYRES SQUEAL
Hold it there, boys. Out you get.
Come on, lan!
(Maguires) Yee-ha!
Whoa!
People have got to learn to pay their debts, lan.
You're one of us now.
Need anything sorting,
say the word.
All right, all right, lads.
Pack it in!
Still want his mammy to recognise him.
lan, hold those.
Maguire takes it on the chest, beats one man.
- Uh! - What a goal!
What a goal from Patrick Maguire.
ln the dying seconds, he makes it 2-0 and that surely is it,
the World Cup is theirs.
Hey, lan, come on!
< BLOWS NOSE
lan?
lan!
Piss off, Lip.
lan, look at me.
Go fuck yourself.
We have to talk about this.
lt's not just your problem. l'm the one in the shit.
Listen to me, you smart-ass prick.
The hardest family on the estate think l'm their fucking son-in-law.
And why?
Why? Because of you.
Like you had no part in it. Why have you got a fake bird, lan?
Because it suited you.
Because...
that's what you are. That is what you do you, fucking queen.
Ask me where l've been today?
Fucking ask me.
Football.
With the Maguires.
A few beers, bit of a laugh. Oh, yeah, and on the way home
we kicked the crap out of somebody.
And not just a kicking, Lip.
They hammered him. And l mean hammered.
And they enjoyed it. l can't be part of that family.
They're maniacs. Proper fucking maniacs.
This is your mistake, you live with it.
GRUNTlNG
(Fiona) Break it up. Pack it in, the pair of you.
Oi, oi, oi!
Oi! Oi!
Come on!
Tell me what's going on.
CLEARS THROAT
- Somebody better start talking. - lt's nothing to do with me.
Must have been hidden. Must have come out when we were scrapping.
Well, if it doesn't belong to either of you...
Fiona, my dad's here. Says he wants a word with you.
l'm just saying she doesn't look her usual self.
Well, you'd better learn to keep that shut!
Oh, here he is! Mr Big Shot! Mr Friend Of The Fucking Maguires!
Well, you better tell us your big secret, Mr Big Shot.
l thought it was just me, but no other fucker seems to know.
Leave him alone, dad. He doesn't have to tell us until he's ready.
What you on about? He's got a bird up the duff, we've a right to know!
Especially that slapper!
Fuck off!
Fuck off the lot of youse! Leave me alone!
Can l have his haddock?
What can we do to put a smile on them chops?
Chuck yourself off a bridge.
You don't mean that, Frank.
l just found out...
my son's going to have a kiddie.
1 5-year-old lad, got his girlfriend lumbered.
He's just tossed his life away before it's started.
What's the sodding world coming to, eh?
This isn't about him at all, is it, Frank?
Hey, l bet you don't look at me and think ''grandma''.
Huh.
lt doesn't mean you start wearing zip-up slippers, you know?
Tell you what.
What?
l'll buy you a drink.
Hey, thought we should have a talk.
What for?
Cos we never do.
So?
Carl?
We'll still love you, you know, no matter what.
lt's nothing to be ashamed of.
What isn't?
That's not mine. lt's gay!
KNOCK AT DOOR
Dylan sent you these. As an apology.
Dylan sent them?
OK, might have been my idea.
Tell me to piss off if you want.
No. l appreciate it.
They're beautiful.
Oh!
lt's a long story.
Do you fancy a drink?
You have to tell them, lan. lt's the only way out.
- The Maguires? - Kash!
You know, what do you think they're going to say?
They'll hate him for it. He won't just be a liar,
he'll be a queer liar.
So what's your advice? Live a lie? Marriage? Kids?
Mandy's a nice girl, lan.
You can't do that to her.
You can't do that to yourself.
You're not doing the honourable thing.
You're just ruining everyone's life.
So...
There's no mum, she pissed off years ago and moved in with another woman.
What, ''moved in'' moved in?
Yes!
You can't say she didn't give being straight a decent shot. Six kids.
Who's the bloke?
Sorry, grab another drink.
lan?
l don't wanna talk about it.
OK. You know l'm here when you do.
Listen. l should get back.
No.
Stay.
He writes me these letters, begging, pleading with me to stand by him.
Yeah.
l wouldn't mind, but he's doing life!
You get lonely, though.
All them nights sleeping on your own.
Yeah, l'm the same. Single bloke on me own. lt's not easy.
Yeah. Sometimes all you want is the warmth of another body
next to yours.
Do you fancy clearing that bar tab, Frank?
Does the Pope shit in the woods?
We're talking...all of it?
Like it never existed.
You two get off, l'll finish up here.
No, no, no way!
Look, she's going to clear the whole lot! Tab gone!
350 smackers, vanished!
For sex with you?
Shut up!
What about Sheila? You can't fucking shag someone for money!
That's scraping it, even by your standards.
Hello? l need you to spring me!
Look, l'll just, you know,
feel her up a bit, get the motor running and then, wham!
''Kevus interruptus''!
Oh, you owe me for this, Frank. And we're talking big time.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Cassie!
Why don't we take it nice and slowly?
Sod that, l want you in me!
l want you! Oh, l want you now!
Now!
Suck them!
You want me to suck your tits?
l want you to bite me! Treat me rough! l want you to spit on me!
Oh!
- Cassie, l can't do this. - You can!
lt's not, l don't want to, l would love to, l think...
Playing hard to get, Frank?
We'll see about that.
No, no, wait!
Oh!
Oof!
What the... !
What are the chances of that?
Come back here, you bastards!
Two lads, druggies, l just seen them running off towards the park.
Right, l'm calling the police!
A big help you were!
You got out of it, didn't you?
Fucking come here!
She was all over you!
You can't keep that out of other people's business, can you?
We had a plan until you came along and fucked it up!
Frank! She was sucking you off!
l wouldn't say sucking.
- D'you know your problem, Frank? - What?
You never think about anyone but yourself! Never take responsibility!
- You're like a pathetic little kid! - Takes one to know one!
Touch her again and l'll ruin your life.
Yeah.
Oh, l mean it, Frank. Me mum,
the house, the kids...
you'll lose the lot!
What's up with you?
lt's the twins.
The twins.
What? What's wrong with them?
Here we go.
Christ, they're evil! They're evil!
SQUEALlNG AND SCREAMlNG
Don't touch me. Don't touch me, please!
Who'd have kids?
Hey. Should have woken me.
You OK?
l've got to get the kids ready for school and then off to work, so...
Should l use the door, or should l disappear in a puff of smoke?
Here's your dinner money. That's for your trip.
All right? ls your lan in?
Engagement party tomorrow night.
Mum thinks everyone should meet.
See you later, sweetheart.
l've asked her to marry me.
Does that mean we'll be related?
Speak for yourself.
Oi! Are you right in the head?
l had no option.
What are you on about? You can't marry, you're fucking gay!
Went round to talk to her parents. l were going to tell them the truth.
About everything. But the words wouldn't come out.
They thought l were nervous so they started talking for me.
Before l knew, l were getting engaged! They've given us a bleeding ring!
You can't do it, lan.
l've no fucking choice!
What do you want?
Engagement party? Why are you doing this?
He's a better man than you.
You're going to let him marry you? Mandy, what do you want?
Lip, nothing l want to hear.
What d'you mean?! lt's my baby!
lan's brother -
offering his congratulations.
Fuck!
Fucking fuck!
CAR HORN HONKS
Jesus, it's like meet the mob.
Pleased to meet ya. l'm Mimi. >
This is Patrick.
Fiona. Me dad, Frank.
We've met.
Yeah, happy occasion, eh? Two families joined by love.
You can't go through with this.
lt's like Romeo and Juliet 'cept without the suicides.
That Shakespeare was no comedy writer, was he?
Let the celebrations commence.
Yay!
Come on. ln the car. There's plenty of room.
Room for a little'un?
Yeah, if you don't mind the boot.
Don't do this to yourself.
l've changed my mind.
MUSlC: l'm ln The Mood For Dancing by The Nolans
l'm in the mood for dancing
Romancing
Ooh, l'm giving it all tonight l'm in the mood for chancing
l feel like dancing
Ooh, so come on and hold me tight
Dancing, dancing
l'm in the mood, babe So let the music play
Oooh, l'm dancing, dancing l'm in the groove, babe...
Come on, ladies. Let's have a dance.
We're all right here, thanks.
That wasn't a question.
l'm in the mood for dancing
Romancing
You know l shan't ever stop tonight...
l thought your family were bad but they're like the Windsors compared to this lot.
Well, this is what happens when Willie don't wear a rain hat.
Take me again
And heaven, who knows just where it will end?
Everybody, can l have your attention, please?
Pray silence for the master of ceremonies.
As the old saying goes, we're not so much losing a daughter
as gaining a son and we want our Mandy to be happy.
l know this young fella's gonna make her happy.
He better had, cos if he doesn't, l'll kill him!
LAUGHTER
They've a young babby on the way and l know he'll make a great father
so l want you all to raise your glasses for a toast,
To Mandy and lan.
(All) Mandy and lan!
Call it off.
CALL lT OFF!
Call it off, the whole thing's a joke.
Donny, get him out of here.
The baby's mine.
l'm sorry.
l should have told you, lan.
You bastard!
Tell me you're lying.
Get your hands off him!
Your baby brother, eh?
Stop it, please. lt's my fault!
Break it up, the lot of you! l want you out of my pub, now!
Oh, you don't scare me, love.
Look at the state of him. You're a bleedin' animal.
l'm so sorry.
l'm really sorry.
(SCREAMS) They've got the baby! They've got the baby!
Fucking do something!
SHE SCREAMS MANlACALLY
You wanker! You're barred!
Gallaghers.
Nothing but scum.
Stay the fuck away from this baby.
lt's got nothing to do with you cunts any more.
Scum.
Come on, everybody. Get a drink. Don't waste all this drink.
Come on, we're the fucking lrish!
(Mr Maguire) Fuck all of youse!
Welcome back.
Thanks.
Did they hurt you?
Yeah, right.
Felt like an effeminate chimp.
l couldn't let you go through with it, lan.
You were gonna chuck your life away because of my mistake.
You've made yourself the villain.
They're gonna hate you for it.
Yeah, well that's something we'll just have to live with.
Don't worry. l'm not staying.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
l need a favour.
Don't hate Lip.
You can't hate him because l knew all along.
About him and Mandy.
And what about the baby?
There was no way it could be mine.
And yet you were gonna go along with it?
The engagement, the wedding?
Mandy were my cover. We never even done it.
Don't tell anyone.
Please, Fiona. Don't tell anyone.
Look, it wasn't you, OK? l just can't get into all that again.
All that?
He broke your heart, yeah?
You used to love him.
That guy. ln the picture.
l'm sorry.
l was just lonely.
l hardly even know you.
Ain't that the point?
l never imagined l'd have a kid at this age.
That's what all the fuck-ups do.
Shag some bird and then piss off and leave someone else to bring it up.
CSA chasing 'em for money.
Except now l am the fuck-up.
She were a good jump, though.
See you two have kissed and made up.
Look who's found her marbles.
The doctors said l should never have come off of the Seroxin.
Oh, what's the matter, baby?
Were you missing your daddy?
Oh.
Give it him. Be good practice.
Hey, who fancies a beer? Courtesy of Sheila.
They broke the mould after you, love. Keep taking the tablets.
Hello, Carol.
Sheila!
A long time ago we used to be friends
But l haven't thought of you lately at all
lf ever again a greeting is sent...
(Carl) 'Being a human's rubbish.
'Especially in this house. lf it comes to a toss up
'between the people and dogs, give me a wet nose every time.'
You're not my dad.
Of course l'm your fucking dad.
Fiona had sexual intercourse with Joey Dawson.
Gary Bennett.
Fucker.
What d'you think, eh? Mr and Mrs Dawson.
Argh!
(All) One, two, three, cheeeeeese!
Er, wrong family!
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu!
Adieu, adieu, to you and you and you
So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen
l think l'd better lower the dose.